At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just blew my weed a kiss
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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