i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There's always time for handjobs
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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