Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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