Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
