need another drink. this is the easiest way
This is not my ceiling
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
