just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
