I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
