I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
