Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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