Your face is a jimmy john
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
