I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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