i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
