I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
