What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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