Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
