I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
