Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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