This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
