There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
