My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if only i could text you this smell
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
