He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
