just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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