Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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