Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
