can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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