Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
