She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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