Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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