I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
