My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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