just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So squirting runs in the family.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
