You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
