You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
