I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
