Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
