Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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