Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How does one acquire holy water?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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