Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
