2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
