I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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