oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
