I want to make a zoo with you.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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