If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
high people should be assigned attendants
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
