The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I cut my penus on the lid.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I need a burrito and a hug.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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