Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
