ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
