They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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