dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
