After last night, I could never be a politician.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
