I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
