No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
